Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Dear Family, Martha Stewart will not be attending our Thanksgivng

Dear Family,

I know that you were eager to accept my family's invitation to Thanksgiving dinner when you found out that the famous Martha Stewart would be joining us.

However, due to scheduling conflicts beyond her control, Ms. Stewart finds that she is unable to grace our table this year. With that in mind, there will be a few minor changes regarding the meal and decor, as outlined below. Please be aware of them, and adjust your appetite and dress appropriately. Thank you.

1) Our driveway will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After several trial runs and two visits from the fire department, it was decided that, no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

2) Once inside, please note that the entry space will not be decorated with swags of Indian corn and fall foliage. Instead, I've gotten our daughter involved in decorating by having her track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was her idea.

3) The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that m atch and everyone will get a fork. Since this is Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the paper Cinderella dinner plates, the leftover Halloween napkins, and my famous Garfield cup collection.


4) Our centerpiece will not be a tower of fresh fruit and flowers. Instead we will be proudly displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper and macaroni. The artist assures me it is a turkey, albeit one without wings, legs, or a beak.

5) We will be dining somewhat later than planned.
However, our daughter will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure she will be happy to share every choice comment her mother made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, stuffing choices, the turkey hotline, and, especially, her husband. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 7:00AM upon discovering that said husband had only remembered to pull the turkey from the freezer at 6:00A M, and that the thing was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

6) As an accompaniment to our daughter's recital of these events, I will play a recording of Native American tribal drumming. Curiously, the tribal drumming sounds a great deal like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, but that only enhances the holiday appropriateness. If our daughter should mention that we don't own a recording of Native American tribal drumming, ignore her. She's only eight; what does she know?

7) A dainty silver bell will not be rung to announce the start of our feast. We have chosen to keep our traditional method of assembling when the smoke alarm goes off.

8) There will be no formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask all the children to sit at a separate table.
In a separate room. Next door. And I would like to take this opportunity to remind our younger diners that "passing the rolls" is neither a football play nor an excuse to bean your cousin in the head with bread.

9) The turkey will not be carved at the table. I know you have seen the Norman Rockwell image of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. Such a scene may occur somewhere in America , but it won't be happening at our dinner table. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in the kitchen at a private ceremony. I stress "private", meaning "Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children, or older, helpful grandparents into the kitchen to check on my progress. I have a very large, very sharp knife. The turkey is unarmed.
It stands to reason that I will eventually win the battle. When I do, we will eat."

10) For the duration of the meal, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Kraft Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or makeup of the Kraft Cheese Sauce, smile kindly and say that you know the answer, but it's a secret that can't be revealed to them until they are 18.

11) Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You still have a choice: take it or leave it.

That concludes our list of alterations. Again, I apologize that Martha will not be joining us this year. Come to think of it, she probably won't come next year, either. And for that, I am indeed thankful.
I love Martha, I really do, but this was just too funny not to pass along! I will be preparing Thanksgiving Dinner this year for 20 members of my husbands family, wish me luck!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Sue

15 comments:

Janene said...

OMG! I am laughing my butt off!
Do you really think that Martha does this stuff? I would be afraid to eat at her home, in fear that I would use the wrong fork or drink the water from the finger bowl!!!
I would be disgraced!!

mbkatc230 said...

A friend sent me this today and I asked her when she sent a spy to my house! This is one of the funniest things I've ever read. "Pass the rolls" is not a football play - priceless! Have a wonderful day. Kathy

The Quintessential Magpie said...

Really cute! Love it!

XO,

Sheila :-)

Marla at Always Nesting said...

Hysterical!!!! That's sooooo funny.

mini pendant lights said...

I wish she would come to my house!

Robin said...

OMG! This is so stinking hysterical!!! I am so glad I stayed up late and read this! TOOOO FUNNY!!

{{{HUGS}}}

Robin :o)

tale of many cities said...

too funny!! LOVE the title and post didn't disappoint! thanks for the laugh this morning!

kymber said...

Hi Sue,
Thanks for the giggle today! Boy I needed it!
Blessings to you,
Kymber

Audrey said...

LOL.... You are too funny!!
Thanks for inviting me over Just loved your post.
Hugs,
Audrey

Laura said...

Oh my gosh, I am still laughing.
I should send this to my family. In many ways I love all of the preparations- and then there are moments when I want us to eat out of paper plates, in our laps, while watching football on television.

Both work- and both are blessings.

Enjoyed visiting,

Laura

Anita said...

Words spoken from the heart. I love that you are keeping it real and if invited, I promise not to enter the kitchen during the private turkey carving ceremony.

Picket said...

LOL LOL Oh my word!!!! You just described my holiday with the Burlys and the grandkids!!!!! lol lol That was so funny!!!!! lol lol I dream of a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving every year but I am rudely awaken at the shouts of 'MOM!!!! Where is the toilet paper and we need a plunger in the hall bathroom!!!!!!!" lol lol Oh My word..with over 30 people running in and out and lordy knows who raised those heathens!!!!! The closest I will ever get to that dream is to hang a picture of that Norman Rockwell scene On the wall in the dining room!!!!! lol lol HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM ONE 'MARTHA' TO ANOTHER!!!!! LOL LOL

The Quintessential Magpie said...

Sue, just checking back in to see if Martha had changed her mind!

Also to send you much love on Thanksgiving and always. Hope yours is very, very happy!

XO,

Sheila :-)

Melanie said...

That was soooooooooooo funny! Hope it all went well. Thank you for the laugh.
-Mel

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